my life is pretty cool right now. there’s just… kind of a lot to do and it’s making me paralyzed. and on top of this i don’t have internet at home, gah.

my once-nice little schedule is now completely full. and i’ve said goodbye to all those fitness things i’d wanted to do. god, it’s so weird how i’m now in a place in my life when going out for a run is a RELAXING LUXURY and I WANT to do it and WANT to cram in a workout.

But this is totally my fault. I already have 16 units (when I could have taken 12, but less interesting classes), and on top of that I want to add another 4 to a total of 20(!!!) because I want to add classes about whiskey and building circuits. I soldered yesterday!

SCHOOL
full-on work. heavy load. interesting classes. wish i’d had this mindset earlier. senior thesis giving me white hair.
*add a circuits decal?

SOCIAL
this area is good. i love my friends. i love that i’m making time for them. also i’ve been invited to two weddings this year!

HEALTH
okay, i did have ice cream AND froyo for dinner last night. But I’m learning about how delicious fresh salads can be. also the running is starting up again – I just signed up for a 30km trail run. I need to take it seriously – it’s probably going to be just as hard as a marathon because it’s in the freaking HILLS (“grizzly peak”).

WORK
i never expected my lab-slave job to evolve into a policy/tech research position. my boss II wants to give me a publishable project! my thesis has helped me in this area, and i am so grateful i took that web design decal class last semester – sounds like it’s going to get some use for a side project!
*must brush up on web skills.
*must drop out of dance classes.
*may have to skip 20/20/10.
But I’m doing something “real” now!

XTRA
-science of wellness mag?
-keeping up with habitat
-TACL omg blossomed into more than I’d expected

FUTURE
shit man. shit. like i said, i’m glad i started taking interesting classes but wish i’d started earlier. glad my part-time job is somehow blossoming into something (offered a summer internship yay), but don’t know – studying abroad? clinical work? job-job?

CAREER FAIR TOMORROW
NEED TO FOLLOW UP ON INFORMATIONAL INTERVIEWS
HALP SO MUCH TO DO

or

would she find other things?

the slamming of the door reverberates through my spine
the sound waves stream from her mouth in stinging tentacles

when i hear the garage door opening i am frozen

what if i fixed those things?
no.
no.
my memory is faulty.
she would yell at me for being controlling, for not being aggressive enough, for being too mean, for being too nice.
I have to accept that I will not be good enough in her eyes.
Of course there is always room to improve.
Just the fact that she delivers it in a loud, harsh manner should not intimidate me.

i should be a dumb animal

Also family vacations are trying but it can be lonely to be alone after being around others 24 hours a day, especially when they let you cuddle with them

What I need is a good distraction
To help me ignore

Today my dad picked us up from the airport. Of course everything is better the way it is now, but she sat in the passenger seat and my sister and I were sitting in the back, left and right respectively, and they were parenting from the same direction… it’s just times like those that I wonder, or remember. But by now I can’t even remember very well. Its more strange than familiar. I don’t know. It was weird. But it felt good, like I didn’t have to watch out for the loose ends, like there was a backup if anything went wrong. I just felt like I wouldn’t have to keep looking over my shoulder.

Suddenly I feel sad. (And it’s been SO long!)
I can’t remember who else has divorced parents.
That’s the crappy part about having mostly Asian friends with traditional parents.
Actually I can think of one person but I don’t want to bother her
So hello internets?
I don’t know why I’m feeling like this
My period was last week
So I have no justification

Hello first world problems (and some people in the first world only have one parent! But it could hurt more when you know what you’ve lost)

I wish I could want something and be consumed by that want

Right now the thing I guess I want is
Fetal
Warmth
And it’s okay
Everything will be alright
Maybe a soft hair tussle head pat

Improv Everywhere – Look Up More

(trying to make a pun)

inside is so different.
and i know there are still parts of me that will get better
and i anticipate them readily and happily

this skin is mine and i exult being in it
although i wish my knee would get better
i miss running

New Year, I am excited to meet you.
21, I am wary of you
and oh May, you are tasering electric shocks of fear into my spine
which honestly is not very nice,
but we will see what happens
//

Sometime during the week I watched the Katy Perry episode of SNL. Robyn was performing. I usually skip over the musical performances but tonight I was halted.

HER FASHION!!

Yes, by any reasonable standards her attire was atrocious and unflattering. But it was different.

This break I’ve been looking at fashion again and ohhh I know that the runway models look “weird” but why can’t we wear what we really, truly want? What they were is so beautiful, so something-else and everyone in life is stuck in a shirt-and-jeans rut. There’s so much more out there that we can wear. Even “fashionistas” can’t get away with actually-crazy clothing.

There’s just so much possibility in what to wear.
You can express who you truly are or how you’re really feeling that day.
I think I’m most inspired by video games. I never played any Final Fantasy game but I was always amazed by the clothing the characters wore.
Different.
Interesting.
Inspiring.

But society is as it is and people already comment too much about how my relatively normal wear is abnormal. I feel the need to have to dress down every time I leave the house. It’s augh.